It is accomplished

Entry # 4

You know, the funny thing is I thought that making this transition was going to be retchingly difficult when I began my journey. In actuality it has been so damned easy that I really don't have much more to say in terms of the journey ... I am living life happy and secure in my convictions. At the same time it has become a very private internal affair. I'm not wearing an "atheist" badge. I'm not adopting an "in your face" posture (though I have an appreciation for the energy I'm saving in not having to work within a religious framework).

Something interesting worth noting though is my deeper appreciation for life in all its forms. After all, when you contemplate all the slow convolutions our DNA has been through, all the forms it has produced, all the stepping stones along the way, you really do get a rich sense of connectedness ... the tarantula in the library terrarium is just a distant cousin, perfectly adapted to his/her environment just as I am ( am I?). We are not separated by the presence or absence of a soul... we are not hierarchically ranked in terms of image deo/non image deo.

And life itself, short, sweet, - but what we make of it - followed by non existence - the negation /absence of experience. I feel so motivated to do "something" to have an impact, to leave things better than I found them.... and I want to do this not for the reward - there is no reward in non-being - but simply to have the present assurance that in some infinitesimal or maybe some not so infinitesimal way life itself benefited from my being alive.

Lightness and Gratitude (but not in that order)

Entry # 3

In an earlier entry I mentioned a lightness of being which I have been experiencing since trying on the naturalistic viewpoint. I also mentioned the dilemma I had faced concerning my disposition toward gratitude and no one to be grateful to.

Well, I'll explain the lightness but let me tackle the latter first and put it to bed.

If I have no one "celestial" to thank for my good fortune to date I must, of necessity acknowledge that my good run has been due to a few things beyond the luck of the draw.

First off, my subjective and most often successful interactions with the world , controlling for the random serendipity which we all do get occasionally by sheer happenstance, are the result of two things: my relationships and the inner values which have guided my choices. Those inner values have come about because of the positive role models in my life and my response to both their input and the values which emerged from within. Therefore, for all the good in my life I do have cause to be grateful - to my family and friends and acquaintances who have shaped me and to me for not being too obtuse to absorb and internalize the values and turn them into good choices, habits, thoughts and perspectives.

Now, on to the lightness. I guess there are multiple reasons for it. Here is one:

I never appreciated how much of my life was spend in an internal dialogue with "the other". I was a very prayerful person , but quietly so and, although I was a Jew by choice, my college years' Jesuit influence was always at work in me. I was consciously practicing the divine presence in my life and drew a lot of comfort and perspective from it. But in the practice, and unbeknown to me, there was an internal tension because my training was running afoul of the observations I was making.

Case in point:

I remember being in the Holocaust museum in DC and seeing a photo which mesmerized me: a young woman was sitting nude on a chair with a terrified look on her face as she was being threatened by several sharply dressed SS men who were obviously enjoying her terror. Her face and form were truly beautiful despite the anguish on her features. So much so that, in a more benign circumstance she would have been an object of desire. But all I could feel for her was an anguished pity. Where was her savior, where was her protector where was the one who watched her going out and coming in ? Where was her god?

And yet ,I prayed every day "you open your hand and satisfy the desires of all the living" in the Ashrei prayer (psalm 145). That image and that prayer stand in total contradiction - and yet I as a believer had to come to terms with both. I guess I never did. I could only imagine what happened to that poor girl before she died: rape, beating, mutilation with no hope of respite or rescue short of a painful and brutal death.

Following the disciplines of the Ignatius spiritual exercises ( from the Jesuit founder) I was taught to always reflect on a circumstance and ask "where in that circumstance was god" - I no longer have to make excuses for him - he was not there - never was --- that feels so good!

The world in it's stark hideousness makes sense now for me. Evil is here , not for any other reason but that it is (and is it really evil, per se, or more like Camus' benign indifference interacting with human fear and limitation with its resulting selfishness - perhaps that's as good a definition for evil as any). And there is no security blanket - no free exemptions or passes. That girl, except for the randomness of time and circumstance could have been my daughter or my wife or me! The mental gymnastics of convincing myself otherwise are gone. A weight I didn't know I was carrying , is lifted.

My nephew and I were corresponding around 3 weeks ago with regard to my second post and I mentioned to him that

I don't look for the world to make sense, beyond the need to be able to make sense in an empirical sort of way. It doesn't worry me - it's actually exhilarating to have climbed to the mountain top and to see beyond the horizon and to see --- NOTHING!

OK... so now that there is no God how do I …?

Entry # 2

One of the first things I noticed is that, at least for me, certain theistic habits are so ingrained. Let me give a few examples:

1. When someone sneezes what should I say? My reflex reaction is “Bless you” My colleague, Steve, who is aware of my journey recently teased my knee jerk “bless you” with “you can’t say that anymore!” I still slip with this but I try to use "Gesundheit" which, in German, means “healthiness” in the sense of “to your health”.

2. When I was fulfilling an obligation in my synagogue, ( I do have some tribal loyalties and will be there occasionally –rarely for sure) I found myself a bit disoriented. Let me explain:

The synagogue rites consist of, among other things, reading from the torah (the first 5 books) and the prophets. These are done in Hebrew to the tune of musical notes which are actually embedded in the text. Back in early July I had to read from the torah and to chant a rather long portion of the prophets. The service is very long and I sat through it with no inclination to say the prayers, they seem so pitiful and whiney to me now. Thankfully, they are in Hebrew so I was able to turn off cognition to focus on the task at hand which I accomplished well enough by the way, but the point of telling this is that, whereas in the past it would have been a source of spiritual edification to me and accomplishment, it felt like a chore devoid of any value. The irony of it is that I performed so beautifully that they want me to do it more often! …. Cold day in hell for that! (see there I go again!) but I just smiled and said thank you. By the way, that night I packed all my Judaica into storage boxes, I have many tractates of the Talmud with a monetary value in the thousands of dollars along with commentaries and copies of the bible, the mishna and the midrashim. I left one copy of the Hebrew bible out in case I get stuck having to chant again (I will try to avoid it like the plague). I dread the high holidays but am looking forward to the time off. Maybe, just maybe I can convince my family to go to the zoo or the museum.

3. Another example, and the one which strikes closest to home: In my personal life I am very aware of how pleasant my situation is in comparison to even most Americans. My wife and I are reasonably well compensated for work which is meaningful and challenging. And while no one is completely immune to the vicissitudes of economic misfortune (can I use fortune and misfortune in my vocabulary anymore?) we are reasonably secure in our income streams. We have our health and well adjusted minor children who are also healthy, beautiful and intelligent. My older offspring are mature , well adjusted and stable adults and pretty much all else is right with the world. But, by nature and perhaps because of my pleasant circumstances I tend to be very grateful. But to whom, or what now can I express my gratitude?

4. This morning as I was leaving the house I unthinkingly and out of habit “kissed” the mezuzah on our front door. Something a pious Jew does whenever entering or leaving a dwelling. I actually, immediately caught myself in the act and reminded myself that that was another habit to break.

It all feels so weird. But , in compensation, instead of feeling unsettled there’s this continuous and unexplained lightness of being that permeates my day. I’ll write about that next.


Cheers