Entry # 2
One of the first things I noticed is that, at least for me, certain theistic habits are so ingrained. Let me give a few examples:
1. When someone sneezes what should I say? My reflex reaction is “Bless you” My colleague, Steve, who is aware of my journey recently teased my knee jerk “bless you” with “you can’t say that anymore!” I still slip with this but I try to use "Gesundheit" which, in German, means “healthiness” in the sense of “to your health”.
2. When I was fulfilling an obligation in my synagogue, ( I do have some tribal loyalties and will be there occasionally –rarely for sure) I found myself a bit disoriented. Let me explain:
The synagogue rites consist of, among other things, reading from the torah (the first 5 books) and the prophets. These are done in Hebrew to the tune of musical notes which are actually embedded in the text. Back in early July I had to read from the torah and to chant a rather long portion of the prophets. The service is very long and I sat through it with no inclination to say the prayers, they seem so pitiful and whiney to me now. Thankfully, they are in Hebrew so I was able to turn off cognition to focus on the task at hand which I accomplished well enough by the way, but the point of telling this is that, whereas in the past it would have been a source of spiritual edification to me and accomplishment, it felt like a chore devoid of any value. The irony of it is that I performed so beautifully that they want me to do it more often! …. Cold day in hell for that! (see there I go again!) but I just smiled and said thank you. By the way, that night I packed all my Judaica into storage boxes, I have many tractates of the Talmud with a monetary value in the thousands of dollars along with commentaries and copies of the bible, the mishna and the midrashim. I left one copy of the Hebrew bible out in case I get stuck having to chant again (I will try to avoid it like the plague). I dread the high holidays but am looking forward to the time off. Maybe, just maybe I can convince my family to go to the zoo or the museum.
3. Another example, and the one which strikes closest to home: In my personal life I am very aware of how pleasant my situation is in comparison to even most Americans. My wife and I are reasonably well compensated for work which is meaningful and challenging. And while no one is completely immune to the vicissitudes of economic misfortune (can I use fortune and misfortune in my vocabulary anymore?) we are reasonably secure in our income streams. We have our health and well adjusted minor children who are also healthy, beautiful and intelligent. My older offspring are mature , well adjusted and stable adults and pretty much all else is right with the world. But, by nature and perhaps because of my pleasant circumstances I tend to be very grateful. But to whom, or what now can I express my gratitude?
4. This morning as I was leaving the house I unthinkingly and out of habit “kissed” the mezuzah on our front door. Something a pious Jew does whenever entering or leaving a dwelling. I actually, immediately caught myself in the act and reminded myself that that was another habit to break.
It all feels so weird. But , in compensation, instead of feeling unsettled there’s this continuous and unexplained lightness of being that permeates my day. I’ll write about that next.
Cheers
1. When someone sneezes what should I say? My reflex reaction is “Bless you” My colleague, Steve, who is aware of my journey recently teased my knee jerk “bless you” with “you can’t say that anymore!” I still slip with this but I try to use "Gesundheit" which, in German, means “healthiness” in the sense of “to your health”.
2. When I was fulfilling an obligation in my synagogue, ( I do have some tribal loyalties and will be there occasionally –rarely for sure) I found myself a bit disoriented. Let me explain:
The synagogue rites consist of, among other things, reading from the torah (the first 5 books) and the prophets. These are done in Hebrew to the tune of musical notes which are actually embedded in the text. Back in early July I had to read from the torah and to chant a rather long portion of the prophets. The service is very long and I sat through it with no inclination to say the prayers, they seem so pitiful and whiney to me now. Thankfully, they are in Hebrew so I was able to turn off cognition to focus on the task at hand which I accomplished well enough by the way, but the point of telling this is that, whereas in the past it would have been a source of spiritual edification to me and accomplishment, it felt like a chore devoid of any value. The irony of it is that I performed so beautifully that they want me to do it more often! …. Cold day in hell for that! (see there I go again!) but I just smiled and said thank you. By the way, that night I packed all my Judaica into storage boxes, I have many tractates of the Talmud with a monetary value in the thousands of dollars along with commentaries and copies of the bible, the mishna and the midrashim. I left one copy of the Hebrew bible out in case I get stuck having to chant again (I will try to avoid it like the plague). I dread the high holidays but am looking forward to the time off. Maybe, just maybe I can convince my family to go to the zoo or the museum.
3. Another example, and the one which strikes closest to home: In my personal life I am very aware of how pleasant my situation is in comparison to even most Americans. My wife and I are reasonably well compensated for work which is meaningful and challenging. And while no one is completely immune to the vicissitudes of economic misfortune (can I use fortune and misfortune in my vocabulary anymore?) we are reasonably secure in our income streams. We have our health and well adjusted minor children who are also healthy, beautiful and intelligent. My older offspring are mature , well adjusted and stable adults and pretty much all else is right with the world. But, by nature and perhaps because of my pleasant circumstances I tend to be very grateful. But to whom, or what now can I express my gratitude?
4. This morning as I was leaving the house I unthinkingly and out of habit “kissed” the mezuzah on our front door. Something a pious Jew does whenever entering or leaving a dwelling. I actually, immediately caught myself in the act and reminded myself that that was another habit to break.
It all feels so weird. But , in compensation, instead of feeling unsettled there’s this continuous and unexplained lightness of being that permeates my day. I’ll write about that next.
Cheers
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